That One Time When…

I think it’s safe to say that I have reached an age that it’s okay if an occasional swear word pops out while talking to my parents. I can even have a cocktail with them! I might even tell them a funny story about something that happened college.

But, it really doesn’t matter how old I get, there are things in my life that I just do not want my parents to know. I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna get in trouble or be grounded from hanging out with my friends! Maybe it’s because I want to uphold my parent’s image of me? Or maybe just the sheer embarrassment of admitting to mistakes is too overwhelming?

This concept came to me after a recent, embarrassing conversation with my dad.

I was excitedly telling my dad about a new incentive trip to the Bahamas that my company was offering. I off-handedly mentioned that the last time I had been to the Bahamas, I was only there for a day. My dad stopped me mid sentence to ask what I was talking about.

Me: “Remember when I took that day trip to Nassau with [college boyfriend]?

Dad: “Uh. Nooooo.”

Me: “Oh.” I could feel my face turning beet red. “So Dad, one time in college, I left the country for a day with my ex-boyfriend, drank too many Bahama Mamas, and threw up on the plane ride back!” Nervous laughter. Oh. My. God. What did I just say?

Dad: Laughing. “Babe, I don’t think I want to know these things.”

I couldn’t agree more!!! Obviously, I don’t even remember what they do and don’t know! Pretty sure they are okay with not knowing everything.

Ugh. Like the memory of my dad accidentally finding my thong underwear in the clean laundry.

Oh! And that one time…

My husband told my dad that we like to watch hard core porn. Except, we don’t.

My husband was talking about the old reality show “Hard Core Pawn.” My dad misunderstood pawn for… well.. you know. Since I was not part of this conversation I can only imagine how the conversation went.

My husband kept going on about how funny the show was and my dad kept shaking his head and saying “I just don’t watch that sort of thing.” I especially like the part when my husband suggested that my mom should watch this show with my dad!

Not sure how long this went on until they both realized what the other was talking about. They had an embarrassing laugh together and switched the topic back to sports.

And now, the mother of all that is embarrassing…

Since my parent’s health has been declining, I’ve made the 5+ hour trek from Northern to Southern Indiana multiple times (I stop to pee a lot). I’ve also been going through tons and tons of my old stuff… like Barbie’s, My Little Ponies, numerous old dolls, clothes, costumes, old notes from high school, and the list goes on.

One night after blowing off some much needed steam with my two best friends from high school, I decided to stay up and go through some boxes in the spare bedroom. As I was rummaging through Barbie paraphernalia, I ran across a piece of blue scrap paper with the word “condom” written on it. I recognized my mom’s handwriting and began searching my memory for a reason why she would have written such a thing.

A memory poured into my head and I immediately felt the embarrassing horror of the morning when I first saw that piece of paper. Cue memory sequence…

This had to be from my freshman year of college. I attended a local branch of Indiana University because, for some reason, my parents thought it would be better for me.

My mom woke me up on a Sunday morning to let me know that I overslept and would miss mass if I didn’t get moving. In her hand was a plastic baggie with this piece of paper and *ahem* said item. Apparently, it did not flush and was discovered by my mom right before my dad went into that bathroom.

I honestly do not know which one would have been worse.

Of course I had to share this with my BFF’s!!!

There are many stories of getting caught and times that I pulled off by the skin of my teeth. More times that I care to admit.

I know that my parents are proud of the woman that I have become. I hope they understand that I wouldn’t have the life I have now if it wasn’t for the way they raised me. But now that I’ve been married for over 11 years and have kids of my own, jokes on me! Now I am the one over analyzing every move we make as parents, worrying about the friends they are making, and praying that they grow up to be good people.

In another 30+ years, I hope they are living happy, comfortable lives and can laugh with their significant others or friends about “that one time when…”

Thanks for laughing with me!!

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